Never kept a dollar past sunset...

How true those words, sung by Mr. Richard on Exile track "Happy", are this time of year with Christmas just a day away! I actually selected such a quote not to comment on my lack of monetary responsibility (which is a given) but to declare that, alas, I am somewhat Happy myself. Seated at the front desk in a building that I own 22.5 % of, pounding Vitamin C, sipping Evian, and soaking up all of the tiny space heater that I can (it's perpetually freezing), I am actually rather content. The past couple of months have not been very good ones, but guess what? War is over, if you want it. And I wanted it.

When I first met the C word, I fell in infatuation harder than I ever had in my life. I ignored the advice of, well, pretty much everyone, and when it was finally time for us to be together, he continued to fuck up so catastrophically that my feelings were irrevocably hurt. In our relationship, I did things wrong too, although I don't suppose gravitating to a man who was nice to me after being ignored, taken for granted, and having him gravitate towards other people as well is really that reprehensible an offense. Guilt is not an enjoyable feeling, and I felt it for months and months, as if in constant apology for something he had done too (and worse!). Anyway, it ended up being that C and I parted ways, a decision I have been very much lauded for by my family and friends. It wasn't easy and I've certainly been a bit down at time, but I finally feel like I'm free. Free of the worry and suspicion that used to define my days (and this was when we were together). Girls, I will offer a slice of advice--don't ever let yourself be with a man who makes you feel in competition. The C Word knew I was better than those haggard, two-bit trolls, but he always wanted to keep me down, keep me feeling badly about myself. Was this indicative of some deep insecurity on his part? Perhaps. I don't really know and I suppose I won't be bothered thinking about it any more. But I've been hurt, a lot. I (almost) pity a guy I seriously fancy and who seriously fancies me because I'm bound to be "a little bleary, worse for wear and tear".

Fortunately, I want so many better things for myself, and they are arriving. My best friend Lucie moved back to Washington D.C. in October and I don't think I would have survived my heartache without her nursing my wounds with lunches and sleepovers (and of course, nap time!). I'm going to pursue my dream of modeling, I'm trying to get on better with my family, and I hope that some day a marvelous guy who is exceedingly charming falls for me. At 22, I think I'm finally beginning to realize what I want out of life and what I deserve, and the two aren't so different. I hope this post finds the few people that read this very well indeed.

Special thanks to aforementioned BFFs Lucie and Krystal (I swear I'll post more, K!). Also to a lovely young woman named Kat, a fellow redhead and rock n' roll lover, who has been very instrumental in my feeling OK about leaving The C Word. To my sister Meredyth, the most gorgeous little girl I know--Lord knows I can't live without you (so please never put me in that position). To Mackenzie, my niece. The light that 7 month old baby has brought to my life is immeasurable. For my extended family, of which there are many members, particularly my Aunts Ellie and Lisa. For my Mommy, who despite her Catholic guilt and frugality is one of the best people I know and someone I really do love being around.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!